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Post by sengaeriel on Jan 22, 2009 1:55:11 GMT -5
This is a joke that I've known since 1985. My first boyfriend told me this one.
A little girl walks into her brother's room where he's doing homework and accidentally stabs himself with a pencil and yells, "B!tches and ba$tard$!"
The little girl asks, "What does that mean?"
And he says, "Uh,uh, ladies and gentlemen."
So, she walk into her other brother's room where he's working on a project and cuts himself and yells, "C-cks and balls!"
The little girl asks, "What does that mean?"
And he says, "Uh, uh, coats and jackets."
So, she walks downstairs where her mother's in the kitchen fixing a turkey and cuts herself with a knife and she yells, "F-ck!"
The little girl asks, "What does that mean?"
And she says, "Uh, uh, stuffing."
So, she goes to the garage where her father is building a table and accidentally hits his finger with a hammer and yells, "A$$!"
The little girl asks, "What does that mean?"
And he says, "Uh, uh, plywood."
So, she goes back into the house when the doorbell rings and she answers it and this is what she says:
"Welcome b!tches and ba$tard$. Hang up your c-cks and balls on the hooks. My mother's in the kitchen f-cking the turkey and my dad is in the garage driving nails up his a$$."
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Post by Cmdr. Tony Bastain on Jan 22, 2009 4:19:39 GMT -5
A man walked into a building, and said.... "Owww".  [/size] |
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Post by Cmdr. Tony Bastain on Jan 22, 2009 4:30:49 GMT -5
A woman and her friend are visiting the zoo. They are standing in front of the big silver back gorillas cage, when one woman makes a gesture that the gorilla interprets as an invitation. He grabs her yanks her over the fence and takes her to his nest in the pen.
There he ravishhes her and makes passionate love to her for about 2 hours till he is tranquilized, and the lady taken to hospital.
Her friend visits her the next day and asks "Are you hurt?"
She replies...."Of Course I'm hurt, He hasn't called! He hasn't written!"[/size]
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Post by sengaeriel on Jan 23, 2009 4:12:05 GMT -5
How to wash a toilet
This is simply too much of a time-saver not to share it with you:
1. Put both lids of the toilet up.
Add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid.
(You may need to stand on the lid.)
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds.
(Never mind the noises that come from the toilet.)
5. Flush the toilet three or four times.
This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.
6. Have someone open the front door of your home.
(Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door)
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Sincerely,
The Dog
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Post by Lt. Cmdr. Five of Seven on Jan 23, 2009 20:48:19 GMT -5
A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard.
Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' License plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper Sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk . Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."
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Post by Cmdr. Tony Bastain on Jan 24, 2009 6:19:10 GMT -5
One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."
His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."
Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.
Later that evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.[/size]
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Post by Lt. Cmdr. Five of Seven on Jan 27, 2009 1:32:52 GMT -5
Borg Assimilations We Don't Want to See 1. We are Intel. AMD is irrelevant. You WILL install US!!!
2. We are Babylon 5. We are irrelevant. We assimilate Star Trek.
3. I am Pentium of Borg. Arithmetic is irrelevant. Division is futile. You WILL be approximated.
4. We are Borg. You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile. But we're not home right now, so leave a message after the tone and we'll assimilate you later... (beep)
5. I am Fudd of Bowg. Wesistance is wusewess. Pwepawe to be Assimiwated.
6. I am Rhett Butler of Borg. Frankly, my dear, I don't give a d**n whether or not you are assimilated.
7. We are Visual Basic of Borg. If you "assimilated" then you = "assimilated" end if
8. My name is Borg - James Borg - license to assimilate.
9. I am C-3PO of Borg. I am capable of over six million different forms of assimilation.
10. I am McCoy of Borg. He's assimilated, Jim!
11. I am Bashir of Borg. Prepare to be... did anyone ever tell you that you have beautiful eyes?
12. I am Troi of Borg. I sense that you will resist assimilation. But I suggest you not resist. It is futile.
13. I am Beldar of Borg. Time to assimilate mass quantities.
14. I am Arnold Schwartzenegger of Borg. You will be assi... uh, assim..., oh, you will be terminated!
15. I am Worf of Borg. No need to assimilate, I'll just crush you.
16. I am Julius Caesar of Borg. Veni, vidi, assimilavi.
17. I am Spot of Borg. You will be iguanas. Resistance is futile.
18. We are the Borg. Resistance = voltage / current.
19. I am John Lennon of Borg. Imagine all the people... assimilated.
20. I am Porky Pig of Borg. Prepare to be as... assa... assim... I'm taking over.
21. I am Duncan McBorg of the Clan McBorg. There can be only one (collective). Prepare to be decapitated.
22. I am Dan Quayle of Borg, You're speeling is irrellevant.
23. Ferengi-Borg: Insert Coin for assimilation...
24. I am George Bush of Borg. READ MY LIPS - NO NEW ASSIMILATIONS!
25. I am Rambo of Borg. Resistance is the desease. We are the cure.
26. I am Kosh of Borg. You have always been assimilated.
27. I am Microsoft of Borg. Resistance izkx GPF 0x5654 8820 Application RESIST.EXE has
performed an illegal operation and will be shut down.
28. I am Shakespeare 'o Borg. Thou art assimilated, my good man. Ye shall not resist, for that is futile.
29. I am Robocop of Borg. I wonder if I am already assimilated.
30. The Borg assimilated my race, and all I got was this lousy T-Shirt.
31. I am Garfield of Borg. John is irrelevant, Odie is STUPID!
32. I am Spock of Borg. The needs of the ONE outweigh the needs of the many.
33. I am Butt-Head of Borg. You will be...uhhhhh... It says ASS! This is cool.
34. I am William Shatner of Borg... and this is... Assimilation 911!
35. I am Alanis of Borg. Isn't it robotic? Don't you think?
36. I am Piller of Borg. Consistency is futile. Continuity is irrelevant.
37. I am Dr. Smith of Borg. Resistance is futile, you bubble-headed booby!
38. I am Sinatra of Borg. Start spreading the news. We're assimilating today. You will be a part of it: the Borg, the Borg.
39. I am Pythagoras of Borg. Distance is irrelevant.
40. I am Yoda of Borg. Assimilate or do not assimilate. There is no 'try!'
41. I am Quark of Borg. You will be assimilated. But with the right amount of gold pressed latinum, I can overlook your resistance.
42. I am Cobain of Borg. Here we are now, assimilated us.
43. I am Deter of Borg. Now is the time on Sprockets when we assimilate.
44. I am Slartibartfast of Borg, but my name is irrelevant.
45. I am JFK of Borg. Ask not what the collective can do for you, but what you can do for the
collective.
46. I am Ginsu of Borg. You will be assimilated, but WAIT! There's MORE!
47. I am Barclay of Borg. I live for a simulation!
48. I am Madonna of Borg: Justify my assimilation! ::pant::pant::
49. I am Det. Francisco of Borg. Resistance is futile. Prepare to be assassinated. Matt: "Uh... that's 'assimilate', George."
50. I am Shatner of Borg. *You*...Will...Be...Assimilated!
51. I am Captain Jellico of Borg. You will be assimilated. But first, get that fish out of my ready room.
52. I am Elmer Fudd of Borg. Be vewy, vewy quiet... I'm assimiwating wabbits. Heh heh heh heh heh.
53. I am Troi of Borg. Your chocolate will be assimilated.
54. I am Taz of Borg: RGGL FXZZ PTTHT!!!
55. I am Superman of Borg. You will be assim -- Wait a minute, I'm dead.
56. I am Heisenborg. You will probably be assimilated.
57. I am Dirty Harry of Borg. Go ahead, resist us. Make my day.
58. I am Telecom of Borg. Connection is irrelevant. Modem will be assim +++ NO CARRIER
59. I am Homer of Borg. Resistance is futile. You will be assimmm...mmmmmm Donuts.
60. I am Trebek of Borg. For $200, it's futile and starts with R.
61. I am O'Brien of Borg. You will be assimilated as soon as I finish fixing this bloody assimilation machine...
62. Borgio's: The cereal you can't resist.
63. I am Scully of Borg. I am sure there is a perfectly reasonable explanation for your resistance...
64. I am Bill Gates of Borg. You HAVE been assimilated. You just don't know it yet.
65. I am Monty Python of Borg. I wish to complain about this 'ere assimilation you sold me not half an hour ago...
66. We are Hugh of Borg. We wish to assimilate Troi. Geordi is our friend. He can watch.
67. I am Marvin the Android of Borg. Assimilation, don't talk to me about assimilation. I think you ought to know I'm feeling very resisted.
68. I am Training Manager of Borg. Please don't forget to complete the assimilation evaluation form.
69. I am Darth Vader of Borg. You will be assimilated. It is your desssssstiny.
70. I am Han Solo of Borg. I've got a bad feeling about this assimiliation.
71. I am Paul McCartney of Borg. Resistance is futile -- let it be, let it be, let it be.
72. BorgerKing: We do it our way. Your way is irrelevant.
73. I am Lwaxana of Borg. Prepare to be assimilated my little one.
74. I am Christopher Lloyd of Borg: You will be... ahhhh... be... ahhhh Great Scot! 1.21 gigawatts!
75. I am not a Borg, but I play one on TV. Prepare to be assimilated.
76. I am Wayne of Borg. - And I am Garth of Borg. Party on Wayne - Party on Garth - (Both): You will be assimilated.....NOT!
77. I am Khan of Borg. From hell's heart I assimilate thee...
78. I am Nixon of Borg. We are not assimilating you at this time. Trust me.
79. I am Kermit of Borg. It's not easy being assimilated.
80. I am Bush of Borg, read my lips: you will be assimilated.
81. I am Ice-T 'o 'da Borg, motherf*cker. Low and behold, your sorry ass is about to become
assimilated, man! And if you think you might be able to resist, we'll tell 'ya about futility, you irrelevant sucker!
82. I am Joan Rivers of Borg, you will be assimilated, but first, can we talk?
83. I am Microsoft of Borg. The superiority of other products is irrelevant.
84. I am Monty Python of Borg. Nobody expects the Borg assimilation!
85. I am Spock of Borg. I am and will be... assmililated. A search is useless...
86. I am John Wayne of Borg. You will be assimilated, pilgrim.
87. I am Mick Jagger of Borg -- I can't get no, (pause) assimilation.
88. Beavis and Borghead: Assimilation like, sucks, huh-huh-huh...
89. I am Hamlet of Borg. You are to be, or not to be, assimilated.
90. I am Gurney Halleck of Borg, as an ass in the desert, go I forth to my assimilation.
91. (Wesley) I know. I know. Resistance is futile. But... even BARCLAY was assimilated, so why wasn't I ?
92. I am Stroustrup of Borg. Functional programming is irrelevant. You will be instantiated.
93. I am Burns of Borg. Smithers! Assimilate them!
94. Yoda of Borg I am. Futile is resistance. Assimilate you we will.
95. I am Tweeti of Borg. I tawt I attimiwated a Puddy Tat!
96. I am Karol Wojtila of Borg. Pater, et fili, et spiritus assimilationi. Resistancum est futilius. Amen.
97. I am Bud of Borg. Can I assimilate you, please just once!?
98. I yam Popeye o'de Borg. Preparez ta be askimiligrated.
99. We are Gollum of Borg, yes. We will assimilate it, precious. Its resistance will be futile. Yesss, preciousss. Gollum. Gollum.
100. LuxemBORG: The European Community is irrelevant.
101. I am Dirty Harry of Borg. This is a Borg ship. The most powerful type of starship in the galaxy. In all the excitment, I can't remember if we already assimilated you yet. So what's it gonna be, are you going to be assimilated or what? Do you feel lucky punk?
102. We are Pakled of Borg. We ah-sim-ah-late. We are strong.
103. I am Gul Madred of Borg. You will be assimilated. But first, tell me how many lights you see.
104. I am Scotty of Borg. We canna assimilate no more kaptin.
105. I am Rom of Borg. Resistance is futile. Oh... I wasn't supposed to tell you that yet!
106. I am Garfield of Borg. Hairballs are irrelevant......
107. I am Hamlet of Borg. To be assimilated or not to be assimilated? That is the question. Whether resistence is futile or not, aye there is the rub. To be assimilated and perchance to have funny things stuck into your head or resist and encounter more superpowerful entities in future episodes.
108. I am Humphrey Borgart. You will be assimilated. Maybe not here. Maybe not now. This could be the start of a beautiful collective.
109. I am Rubik of Borg, and the cube was MY idea.
110. I am McCoy of Borg. I'm a Doctor, not an Assimilator...
111. I am Andy Rooney of Borg. Ever wonder why resistance is futile?
112. I am Bill of Borg. Resistance is futile. You will drop your decent OS and install mine. Stability and freedom are irrelevant. Your life, as it has been, is over. From this time forward you will service, us.
113. I am Alzheimer of Borg. Resistance is... is... sh*t. Who are you? Where am I? And why?! |
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Post by sengaeriel on Jan 28, 2009 18:23:58 GMT -5
Excuse Notes
...from parents (with their original spelling) collected by schools from all over the country:
My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
Dear School: Please exscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33.
Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the runs.
Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wears.
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.
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Post by Lt. Cmdr. Five of Seven on Feb 3, 2009 0:57:10 GMT -5
Last Name A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. He asks the man his name.
"Fred," he replies.
"Fred what?" the officer asks.
"Just Fred," the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood, doesn't smell alcohol, and thinks he might just give the fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So the officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.
"Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?"
The man replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me."
"I was born Fred Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself, studied hard, and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.
"After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.
"Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD. So now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.
Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I'm just Fred."
The officer walked away in tears, laughing. |
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Post by Lt. Cmdr. Wyatt "Logan" Evans on Feb 3, 2009 10:17:26 GMT -5
By far your best one old friend.  ;D |
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Post by Lt. Cmdr. Five of Seven on Feb 3, 2009 19:15:38 GMT -5
Afghan Humor A prominent American reporter did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. From the reporter's vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even further back behind their husbands and are happy to maintain the old sexist custom.
The reporter approached one of the Afghan women and asked, "Why do you now seem content with this old custom that indicates women's inferiority to men?"
The woman looked the reporter straight in the eye, and without hesitation, replied: "Land mines." |
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Post by Cmdr. Tony Bastain on Feb 4, 2009 5:51:43 GMT -5
A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a local gynecologist. The doctor took one look at her and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately asked her to undress, after which the doctor began to stroke her thigh.
Doing so, he asked her, “Do you know what I’m doing?” “Yes,” she replied, “you’re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.” “That is right,” said the doctor.
He then began to fondle her breasts. “Do you know what I’m doing now?” he asked. “Yes,” the woman said, “you’re checking for any lumps or breast cancer.” “Correct,” replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, “Do you know what I’m doing now?” “Yes,” she said. “You’re getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place.”[/size]
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Post by sengaeriel on Feb 4, 2009 21:42:31 GMT -5
I saw this one on Dirk Benedict Central...
20 Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds"
7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."
8. Don't use any punctuation
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."
12. Sing Along At The Opera
13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.
16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."
20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.......
Send This Thread To Someone To Make Them Smile.
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Post by Lt. Cmdr. Wyatt "Logan" Evans on Feb 4, 2009 22:50:20 GMT -5
Funny Lt. , FUNNY!!
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Post by Cmdr. Tony Bastain on Feb 5, 2009 5:35:45 GMT -5
James, as usual, came home really late one Saturday night after being at the bar all night drinking. Not only was he drunk, he was sloppy drunk. He carefully crept into bed next his wife, who fell sleep angry hours earlier, and gave her a goodnight kiss on the check in hopes that she wouldn’t wake up.
He awoke in the middle of the night to a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. “Who the hell are you,” demanded James, “and what are you doing in my bedroom?” The mysterious man answered “This is not your bedroom, and my name is St. Peter”.
James didn’t take the news so well… “You mean I’m dead! That can’t be, I have so much to live for, I haven’t even said goodbye to my family… you’ve got to send me back right away!”
St. Peter replied “You cannot go back as you were, you have passed away James. However, you can be reincarnated - but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.” James was devastated, but knowing that there was a farm just down the road from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking at corn on the ground. “This ain’t so bad,” he thought until he felt a strange feeling churning inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said “So you’re the new hen, huh? How are you enjoying your first day here?” “It’s not so bad” replies James, “but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m about to explode”. “You’re ovulating” explained the rooster, “haven’t you ever laid an egg before?”
“Never” replies James.
“Well just relax and let it happen.”
And so he did, and just a few uncomfortable seconds later an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him - emotions got the better of him as he experienced the joy motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him… ever!
The joy of motherhood continued to build and, just as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shout “James, wake up you drunken bastard, you’re shitting the bed!”[/size]
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Post by sengaeriel on Feb 6, 2009 20:02:24 GMT -5
Note Found on the Refrigerator One Morning:
My Dear Honey,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset, I shall be home before midnight.
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.
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Post by Cmdr. Tony Bastain on Feb 7, 2009 5:34:27 GMT -5
A professor at Auburn University is giving a seminar on the supernatural. Getting a feel for his students, he asks “How many of you believe in ghosts?” About 80 of his students raise their hands.
“That’s a good start I suppose. Those of you who believe in ghosts, how many have actually seen a ghost?” About 30 students raise their hands.
“That’s good. I’m really glad you’re taking this seriously. Ok, has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?” About a dozen students raise their hands.
“That’s a great response. Has anyone ever touched a ghost?” Two students raise their hands. “That’s fantastic. But let me ask you one last question… have any of you ever made love to a ghost?”
One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He removes his glasses, takes a step back, and says, “Son, in all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever actually claimed to have slept with a ghost. Why don’t you come up here and tell us about it.”
The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor says, “Well, tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost.”
The student replies, “Ghost? Oh… I thought you said ‘goats’!”[/size]
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Post by sengaeriel on Feb 7, 2009 7:57:27 GMT -5
Top Ten Jobs Palpatine Had Before Becoming Dark Lord of the Sith
10. Portraying Mrs. Snugglypuffs, a sweet rabbit that was butchered and sewn back together on each episode of the children's show “Death Cometh to Good People” on the ‘Evil Network.’
9. Selling software under the tutelage of his future master, Darth Gates. (Was fired after caught embezzling money for a project code named: Death Star)
8. Huttoria's Secret Fashion Consultant and Spoke model (Was fired after only selling black robes)
7. Five words: You want fries with that?
6. Grief Councilor (Was fired after keeping people sad)
5. Manipulative and deceitful game show host of the widely popular "Who wants to be a Supreme Chancellor?" (Was fired after it came to light that he also was a host and contestant)
4. Adolescent rap star "Pal-P-Teen" (Quit after seeing what happened to Vanilla Ice)
3. Dark Intern Of the Sith (Killed boss while he slept, and thus needed a new career)
2. Anger Management Teacher (Was fired for constantly encouraging people to “give in to their anger”)
1. Played corpse on CSI: Crime Scene Inquisitorius (Was locked in morgue after being mistaken for an actual cadaver)
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Post by Lt. Cmdr. Five of Seven on Feb 8, 2009 15:21:40 GMT -5
Ponderisms Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'.. But it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Hmmmmm |
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Post by sengaeriel on Feb 8, 2009 19:04:30 GMT -5
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
'Nurse,' he mumbles from behind the mask, 'are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?'
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine.'
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, ' Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very very closely, 'Are - my - test - results - back?'
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Post by Lt. Cmdr. Five of Seven on Feb 8, 2009 20:01:47 GMT -5
Ethel is a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loves to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman is a sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerate her and some actually join in.
One day, Ethel was speeding along a corridor when a door opened and a man stepped out, with his arm out stretched. "Stop", he said in a firm voice. "have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and handed him a Kit Kat Wrapper. "Ok", he said and she went on her way.
Taking the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, another man stepped out in front of her. "Have you got a valid tax disc for your vehicle, madam?"
Ethel dug into her handbag again and pulled out a beer-coaster which she held up to him and her allowed her to carry on. Going down the final corridor before the front door, a third man stepped out in front of her. This one was completely naked and holding a sizeable erection in his hand.
"Oh no", said Ethel, "Not the breathalyzer again!"
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Post by Cmdr. Tony Bastain on Feb 11, 2009 4:47:38 GMT -5
A young man has a great date planned with a hot chick, unfortunately he’s also got a bad case of gas. Upon arriving at the girl’s house to pick her up, he meets the parents and waits for her in the living room while she finishes getting ready.
At this point his stomach is turning and he’s doing the best he can to hold his gas. This is some serious stuff too, beer and beef burrito farts - the stuff dreams are made of. Luckily, just before he was about to explode Spot, the family dog, jumps on his lap as he sits on the couch. He figures it’s safe to let out alittle bit of the pressure and and if anyone notices they’ll think that the dog did it.
He farts, and the woman yells, “Spot, get down from there.” The guy thinks to himself, “Thank God! They think the dog did it.” Seizing the opportunity, he lets out another fart and the woman, again, yells for the dog to get down.
This goes on for a few more farts when, finally, the woman yells loudly, “Dammit Spot, get down before he shits on you!”[/size]
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Post by sengaeriel on Feb 12, 2009 0:24:58 GMT -5
A co-worker got a pen stuck inside our printer. He started to try and remove the pen, but I told him we don't have time for that now, just put a note on the printer telling folks not to use it and then report it to the Help Desk. So he grabbed a piece of paper and scrawled on it. I left before he finished the note.
About 20 minutes later, one of my techs comes in laughing and says he was just in the lobby, saw a piece of paper on a printer and went to investigate. Sometimes things don't always come out the way you want them to.......
DO NOT TOUCH!!! PENIS STUCK!!!
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Post by Lt. Cmdr. Five of Seven on Feb 12, 2009 1:55:59 GMT -5
Seven Degrees of Blondeness FIRST DEGREE:
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know! It was some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."
SECOND DEGREE:
Two blondes were walking down the street. One noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up. She opened it, looked in the mirror and said, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."
The second blonde said, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde handed her the compact.
The second one looked in the mirror and said, "You dummy, it's me!
THIRD DEGREE:
A blonde suspected her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she went out and bought a gun. She went to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opened the door she found him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opened her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She took the gun and put it to her own head.
The boyfriend yelled, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" The blonde replied, "Shut up ... You're next!"
FOURTH DEGREE:
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly said, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."
A friend said, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replied, "Oh, that's easy: W."
FIFTH DEGREE:
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
"Is it mine?
SIXTH DEGREE:
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware"
SEVENTH DEGREE:
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen.I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."
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Post by sengaeriel on Feb 20, 2009 0:35:46 GMT -5
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49.00 today. If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have $33.00 today. If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have $0.00 today. But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you would have received $214.00!!! Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg. A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!
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Post by Cmdr. Tony Bastain on Feb 21, 2009 5:39:15 GMT -5
Wal-Mart announced today that they’ll soon be offering customers yet another new discount item, their own brand of wine. The world’s largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of California to produce their spirits at an affordable price.
Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand into their shopping carts, but “there is strong market demand for cheap wine“, said Jane Weldon, professor of Wal-Mart’s marketing division. “However,” she added “Choosing the right names are important for building brandability and loyalty.”
Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive names for the Wal-Mart house brand wines. The top surveyed names in, order of popularity, include:
# Chateau Traileur Parc
# White Trashfindel
# Peanut Noir
# I Can’t Believe It’s Not Vinegar!
# Grape Expectations
# Nasti Spumante
# Big Red Gulp
# World Championship Riesling
# NASCARbernet
# Chef Boyardeaux
Pricing is expected to be in the $3-5 range and will be offered in the box and bottle. If production goes smoothly, expect to find Wal-Mart’s self-branded wine on the shelves sometime next to never.[/size]
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