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Post by Lt. Cmdr. Five of Seven on Oct 9, 2008 3:30:13 GMT -5
You walk through the doors of the holodeck and find yourself in what appears to be a club from the 1920's. A gentleman in a fancy suit approaches you and says...
Welcome to Johnny's Comedy Club! My name is Johnny D'Angelo, and I am your host while you're here. So, sit down, order a beverage and enjoy the show. Our first comedian will be out shortly.
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Post by Lt. Cmdr. Five of Seven on Oct 9, 2008 3:32:13 GMT -5
Mental Hospital Ron and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ron suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Ron out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news.
The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ron, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him.
I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home?'**************************************************** Note: When you post a joke, don't use the glow function. I tried doing the glow function, and when I previewed it, it shoved the text over to the left side of the post. You can change the color of the text and make the text bold, but don't use the glow function. PLEASE!!!
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Post by Cmdr. Tony Bastain on Oct 9, 2008 4:34:26 GMT -5
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring him another double martini.
The bartender says.. "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long, but you got to tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."
The customer replies.. "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I'll know it's time to go home!" [/size]
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Post by Lt. Cmdr. Five of Seven on Oct 9, 2008 12:01:31 GMT -5
Chili Cook Off
Judge #3 (Frank) was an inexperienced Chili taster, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecard notes from the event:--------------------------------------------------------------------------------CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...Judge # 1 - A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. Judge # 3 - (Frank) - Holy $@#&!! What the h-ll is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...Judge # 1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. Judge # 2 - Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge # 3 - (Frank) - Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...Judge # 1 - Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Judge # 2 - A bit salty, good use of peppers. Judge # 3 - (Frank) - Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting $@#&faced from all the beer. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------CHILI # 4- BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...Judge # 1 - Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge # 2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. Judge # 3 - (Frank) - I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-Lb woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac? --------------------------------------------------------------------------------CHILI # 5- LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...Judge # 1 - Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge # 2 - Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. Judge # 3 - (Frank) - My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------CHILI # 6- VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY... Judge # 1 - Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers. Judge # 2 - The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. Judge # 3 - (Frank) - My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I $@#& on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my a$$ with a snow cone. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------CHILI # 7- SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI... Judge # 1 - A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge # 2 - Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. Judge # 3 - (Frank) - You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------CHILI # 8- BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...Judge # 1 - The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge # 2 - This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili? Judge # 3 - (Frank) - No Report --------------------------------------------------------------------------------[/color]
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Post by 1st Lt. Becky Zathras on Oct 9, 2008 19:12:32 GMT -5
The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.' Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.' OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?' Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing; I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence!’
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Post by Cmdr. Tony Bastain on Oct 10, 2008 4:31:36 GMT -5
A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.
The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my tour is almost over....so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go."
The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!" [/size]
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Post by Lt. Cmdr. Five of Seven on Oct 10, 2008 7:12:57 GMT -5
Eight Words with two Meanings 1. THINGY (thing-ee) n. Female...... Any part under a car's hood. Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. Male. Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n. Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family. Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book. Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion. Male...... A source of entertainment, self-_expression, male bonding.
7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.! Female...... The greatest _expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another. Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
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Post by 1st Lt. Becky Zathras on Oct 10, 2008 11:22:20 GMT -5
A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
'Mommy,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'
'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied. 'It's not polite.'
'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh?'
'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'
Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'
'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.
'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report ca rd, it has everything on it.'
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are. You are 32.'
The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?
'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'
The mother is past surprised and shocked now. 'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'
'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'
'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'
'Because you got an F in sex.'
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Post by Lt. Cmdr. Five of Seven on Oct 10, 2008 17:43:14 GMT -5
What a Scotsman Wears Under His Kilt A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of whisky at a local pub. He felt quite sleepy and decided to nap against a tree. As he slept, two female tourists heard his loud snoring. When they found him, one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."
She boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his kilt, and saw that he wore nothing at all. Her friend said, "Well, the mystery is solved! Let's thank him for sharing!"
She took off her pretty blue hair ribbon and gently tied it around the Scotsman's endowment. A while later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature. He raised his kilt and was bewildered at the sight of the neatly tied blue ribbon. He stared for a minute, then said, "I don't know where y'been laddie... but it's nice ta see you won firrrst prrrize!"
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Post by Cmdr. Tony Bastain on Oct 11, 2008 1:33:51 GMT -5
A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned on because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned off cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.
Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest.
"Oh, I really don't care or mind," said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."[/size]
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Post by Lt. Cmdr. Wyatt "Logan" Evans on Oct 11, 2008 9:45:51 GMT -5
An Army Captain in a far off land who is known to have a blood lust is taking his troops out for a hike, after a hour, the soldier at the end of the line sneezes, the Captain yells, " Halt. " he turns to the solider behind him and asks, " Did you sneeze? " " No sir. " the solider says. " You dirty liar! "the captain yells and shoots him dead, " Forward march! " for the rest of the day every time the solider at the end sneezes the scene repeats until only the solider at the end remains, when he sneezes again, " Halt ! " the captain yells and faces him and says, " Did you sneeze ?" " Yes sir, and that's a fact jack ! " the soldier reply. " Well then Bless you. " the captain says.
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Post by Lt. Cmdr. Five of Seven on Oct 11, 2008 19:08:47 GMT -5
Never Forget an Anniversary! Rick was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"
The next morning Rick got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Rick has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him.
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Post by Cmdr. Tony Bastain on Oct 12, 2008 3:50:15 GMT -5
Southern Medical Terms
Benign......................... What you be, after you be eight. Artery......................... The study of paintings. Bacteria....................... Back door to cafeteria. Barium......................... What doctors do when patients die. Caesarean Section............... A neighbourhood in Rome. Catscan........................ Searching for Kitty. Cauterize...................... Made eye contact with her. Colic.......................... A sheep dog. Coma........................... A punctuation mark. D&C............................ Where Washington is. Dilate......................... To live long. Enema.......................... Not a friend. Fester......................... Quicker than someone else. Fibula......................... A small lie. G.I. Series.................... World Series of military baseball. Hangnail....................... What you hang your coat on. Impotent....................... Distinguished, well known. Labor Pain..................... Getting hurt at work. Medical Staff.................. A Doctor's cane. Morbid......................... A higher offer. Nitrates....................... Cheaper than day rates. Node........................... I knew it. Outpatient..................... A person who has fainted. Pap Smear...................... A fatherhood test. Pelvis......................... Second cousin to Elvis. Post Operative................. A letter carrier. Recovery Room.................. Place to do upholstery. Rectum......................... Pretty near killed him. Secretion...................... Hiding something. Seizure........................ Roman emperor. Tablet......................... A small table. Terminal Illness............... Getting sick at the airport. Tumour.......................... One plus one more. Urine.......................... Opposite of you're out. Varicose....................... Near by/close by[/size]
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Lt. Cmdr. Mallory Grayland
Senior Officer
Chief Engineering Officer http://i68.photobucket.com/albums/i28/Five_of_Seven_TAU01/Star_Trek/Phoenix/graphics/forum ranks/Y-001.jpg[/IMG]
I can fix that!
Posts: 52
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Post by Lt. Cmdr. Mallory Grayland on Oct 13, 2008 22:55:05 GMT -5
A hillbilly dad walks into his shack, he yells at his 3 sons, " Ok, which of ya pushed the outhouse over Deadman's ridge?" he looks to his first son Zeck " Zeck was it ya?" " No Pa." the boy replys. He turns to his second son, "Jeb, was it you?" "No Pa." Jeb says. he turns to his other son, " Bo, was it you?" "No Pa." he replys. He sighs and says, " Ok ya 3, I'm gona tell ya all about Georgie Washington, when he was a youngen, he chopped down his pa's cherry tree, when his pa asked him, he all said, " Pa I can't tell ya a lie, I chopped down ya cherry tree." and he didn't get in trouble, so I'm going to ask again." He turns to his sons, "Zeck, was it ya?" "No Pa." Zeck says, " Jeb, was it ya?" he asks. " No Pa." Jeb says, he turns to Bo, " Bo, was it ya?" " Ya Pa." he says. He draws back his fist and decks the boy. "Pa!" Jeb says, " Why did ya hit Bo, ya said Georgie Washington's Pa did't punish him?" The Hillbilly Pa turns and says, " That's because Georgie Washington's pa wasn't in the Cherry Tree!"
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Post by Lt. Cmdr. Five of Seven on Oct 13, 2008 23:28:56 GMT -5
SCRABBLE Someone out there either has too much Spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. (Wait till you see the last one)!
DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT THE EYES: When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE THE MORSE CODE : When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY ELECTION RESULTS: When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: I'M A DOT IN PLACE THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE: MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay Too much time on their hands! (Probably a son-in-law).
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Post by Cmdr. Tony Bastain on Oct 14, 2008 3:08:26 GMT -5
A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn't sure it was such a good idea. The Doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?" She said that she did. He asked, "Does it hurt you?" She said no. The Doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant." The woman was mystified. She asked, "You can get pregnant from anal sex?" The Doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?"[/size]
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Post by Lt. Cmdr. Five of Seven on Oct 16, 2008 8:33:04 GMT -5
Gorilla Chase! There was a man that owned a giant gorilla and, all its life, he'd never left it on its own.
But eventually he had to go on a business trip and had to leave his gorilla in the care of his next-door neighbor.
So he explained to his neighbor that all he had to do was feed his gorilla three bananas a day at three, six and nine o'clock.
But he was never ever, ever to touch its fur.
So the next day the man came and gave the gorilla a banana and looked at it for a while thinking, "Why can't I touch its fur?" as their didn't seem to be anything wrong with it.
Every day he came in and looked for a little while longer as he still couldn't understand until, about a week later, he'd worked himself into a frenzy and decided that he was going to touch the gorilla.
He passed it the banana and very gently brushed the back of his hand against its fur.
Suddenly the gorilla went ape sh*t and started to jump around, then it turned and began to running towards the man who, in turn, ran through the front door, over the lawn, across the street, into some one else's sports car and drove off.
In the rear-view mirror, he could see the gorilla in its own sports car, driving right behing him.
He drove for two hours until the engine began to sputter and the car just stopped. He jumped out and began to run down the street, over a brick wall, into someone's front garden and up the apple tree.
He turned around to find the gorilla right behind him beating its chest.
The man jumped down and ran back in to the street screaming, until it became dark and he thought he'd lost the gorilla.
The man ran into an alleyway then, suddenly, he saw a giant shadow coming down the street ahead.
The gorilla!
It came to the end of the alley, stood and looked striaght into the bloodshoot eyes of the man and came towards him slowly.
This time there was no escape. As the gorilla neared him, the man began to feel faint.
The giant beast came face to face with him, raised its mighty hand and said "Tag! You're it!"
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Post by Cmdr. Tony Bastain on Oct 19, 2008 1:50:51 GMT -5
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.
On the day the surrogate father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon"
Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning, madam! I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you!" Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a specialty of babies.."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat!"
After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too!! You can really spread out!"
"Bathtub..living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me!"
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results!"
"My, that's a lot of..." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure!"
"Don't I know it!" Mrs. Smith said quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep..pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment..I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your, um... equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we can get to work."
"Tripod???"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam?... Good Lord, she's fainted!"[/size]
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Post by Lt. Cmdr. Five of Seven on Oct 19, 2008 8:57:21 GMT -5
63 Hilarious Bumper Stickers
1. Constipated People Don't Give A crap. 2. Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself. 3. If You Drink, Don't Park. Accidents Cause People. 4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon? 5. If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut. 6. Please Tell Your Pants It's Not Polite To Point. 7. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little better 8. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant. 9. Thank You For Pot Smoking. 10. To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing. 11. If At First You Don't Succeed, Blame Someone Else And Seek counseling ! 12. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings". 13. If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer. 14. Horn Broken ... Watch For Finger. 15. It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger. 16. If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Butt. 17. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me 18. The Earth Is Full - Go Home 19. I Have The Body Of A God ... Buddha 20. This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me 21. So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time 22. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult 23. If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away? 24. The Face Is Familiar, But I Can't Quite Remember My Name 25. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway 26. Illiterate? Write For Help 27. Honk If Anything Falls Off 28. Cover Me. I'm Changing Lanes 29. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next exit 30. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person 31. You! Out Of The Gene Pool! 32. I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To 33. Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket? 34. If Sex Is A Pain In The Butt, Then You're Doing It Wrong... 35. Fight Crime: Shoot Back! 36. If You Can Read This Please Flip Me Back Over [Seen upside down on a Jeep) 37. Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph Are Also Timed for 70 mph 38. Guys: No Shirt, No Service - Gals: No Shirt, No Charge 39. If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba the Hut? 40. Necrophilia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One. 41. Ax Me About Ebonics 42. Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel 43. Boldly Going Nowhere 44. Cat: The Other White Meat 45. Caution - Driver Legally Blonde 46. Don't Be Sexist - B!tches Hate That 47. Heart Attacks ... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends. 48. Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window 49. How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is lost? 50. If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets. 51. Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch 52. Saw It ... Wanted It ... Had A Fit . Got It! 53. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom. 54. GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A MAN. 55. All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets. 56. Some people are alive only because it is illegal to shoot them 57. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 58. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. 59. BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore. 60. So you're a feminist...Isn't that precious . 61. I need someone really bad...Are you really bad? 62. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. 63. Don't steal from the government... They hate the competition!
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Post by ninanintius on Oct 19, 2008 16:46:16 GMT -5
63 Hilarious Bumper Stickers1. Constipated People Don't Give A crap. 2. Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself. 3. If You Drink, Don't Park. Accidents Cause People. 4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon? 5. If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut. 6. Please Tell Your Pants It's Not Polite To Point. 7. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little better 8. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant. 9. Thank You For Pot Smoking. 10. To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing. 11. If At First You Don't Succeed, Blame Someone Else And Seek counseling ! 12. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings". 13. If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer. 14. Horn Broken ... Watch For Finger. 15. It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger. 16. If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Butt. 17. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me 18. The Earth Is Full - Go Home 19. I Have The Body Of A God ... Buddha 20. This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me 21. So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time 22. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult 23. If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away? 24. The Face Is Familiar, But I Can't Quite Remember My Name 25. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway 26. Illiterate? Write For Help 27. Honk If Anything Falls Off 28. Cover Me. I'm Changing Lanes 29. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next exit 30. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person 31. You! Out Of The Gene Pool! 32. I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To 33. Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket? 34. If Sex Is A Pain In The Butt, Then You're Doing It Wrong... 35. Fight Crime: Shoot Back! 36. If You Can Read This Please Flip Me Back Over [Seen upside down on a Jeep) 37. Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph Are Also Timed for 70 mph 38. Guys: No Shirt, No Service - Gals: No Shirt, No Charge 39. If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba the Hut? 40. Necrophilia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One. 41. Ax Me About Ebonics 42. Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel 43. Boldly Going Nowhere 44. Cat: The Other White Meat 45. Caution - Driver Legally Blonde 46. Don't Be Sexist - B!tches Hate That 47. Heart Attacks ... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends. 48. Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window 49. How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is lost? 50. If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets. 51. Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch 52. Saw It ... Wanted It ... Had A Fit . Got It! 53. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom. 54. GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A MAN. 55. All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets. 56. Some people are alive only because it is illegal to shoot them 57. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 58. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. 59. BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore. 60. So you're a feminist...Isn't that precious . 61. I need someone really bad...Are you really bad? 62. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. 63. Don't steal from the government... They hate the competition! They forgot my all time favorite... "Yes...Jesus loves you...too bad everyone else thinks your an a-hole!"
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Post by Lt. Cmdr. Five of Seven on Oct 19, 2008 21:33:18 GMT -5
The Pope's Chauffeur After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope still standing on the curb.
"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver," Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and now that I'm Pope, I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"Who's going to tell? Besides, there might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope with a smile.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
(Remember, he's German.)
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, Dear God, I'm gonna lose my license -- and my job!" moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," says the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really big," said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop with a bit of persistence.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: " The Governor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "The President?"
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
The Chief is stumped, " You been drinking, John? "
Cop: " No Sir."
Chief : " Then what makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got the Pope as a chauffeur."
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Post by ninanintius on Oct 20, 2008 1:46:38 GMT -5
ROFLMFAO!!! "I think its GOD...He's got the Pope as a chauffeur."
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Post by Cmdr. Tony Bastain on Oct 20, 2008 4:05:15 GMT -5
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course!" comes the reply.
The first man then asks..."Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland." replies the second man.
The first man responds... "You don't say! I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of course!" replies the second man.
I'm curious.." the first man then asks... "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin" comes the reply.
"I can't believe it!" says the first man... "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin!"
"Of course!" replies the second man...
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks... "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man... "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable!", the first man says... "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62 also"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Doyle twins are drunk again!"[/size]
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Post by ninanintius on Oct 20, 2008 23:15:04 GMT -5
A man was riding his Harley beside a Sydney beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, The Lord said 'Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'
The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to New Zealand so I can ride over anytime I want.'
The Lord said; 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking, the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'
The biker thought hard about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy'.
The Lord then replied; 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?
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Post by Cmdr. Tony Bastain on Oct 21, 2008 1:35:49 GMT -5
Barack Obama was seated next to a little girl on an airplane trip back to Washington. He turned to her and said, “Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to The Obama, “What would you like to talk about?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” said Obama. “How about What Changes I Should Make To America?” and he smiles.
“OK,” she says. “That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?”
Obama, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it for a second and finally says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”
To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to change America when you don’t know sh!t?”[/size]
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Post by 1st Lt. Becky Zathras on Oct 21, 2008 2:33:53 GMT -5
ANOTHER BLONDE JOKE
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a second, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a Nice cup of tea, and then .." he said with a deep sigh, . .. . .. .. .. .
(scroll down)
"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
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