|
Post by Cmdr. Tony Bastain on Oct 22, 2008 3:36:40 GMT -5
Have you heard they're using lawyers instead of rats in laboratories these days? There are three reasons for this:
1. Lawyers reproduce faster.
2. The scientists don't get attached to the lawyers.
3. A lawyer will do things a rat wouldn't even consider.[/size]
|
|
|
Post by Lt. Cmdr. Five of Seven on Oct 26, 2008 23:41:50 GMT -5
The New Bull Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.
First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows but I ain't giving him any of mine."
Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight him till I run him off or kill him, but I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS."
Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows."
They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another- Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.
First Bull: "Ahem...You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."
Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."
They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.
First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."
Third Bull: "H*ll, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'M a bull!"
|
|
|
Post by Cmdr. Tony Bastain on Oct 27, 2008 3:30:21 GMT -5
Hung Wang calls into work and says, “Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.”
The boss says, “You know something, Hung Wang, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her I want sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.”
Two hours later Hung Wang calls again... “I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house.”[/size]
|
|
|
Post by Lt. Cmdr. Five of Seven on Oct 28, 2008 23:05:38 GMT -5
Things We Can Learn From Movies 1. It is always possible to find a parking spot directly outside or opposite the building you are visiting.
2. When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a note. Just grab one out at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
3. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment it's aired.
4. Creepy music (or satanic chanting) coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.
5. Any lock can be picked with a credit card or paperclip in seconds. UNLESS it's the door to a burning building with a child inside.
6. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
7. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red digital displays so you know exactly when they are going to explode.
8. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to learn to speak German. Simply speaking English with a German accent will do. Similarly, when they are alone, all German soldiers prefer to speak English to each other.
9. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off. Even while scuba diving.
10. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.
11. Any police officer about to retire from the force will more often than not die on their last day (especially if their family have planned a party). (Caveat: Detectives can only solve a case after they have been suspended from duty).
12. Getaway cars never start first go. But all cop cars do. (They will also slide to a dramatic stop in the midst of a crime scene).
13. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.
14. On a police stake-out, the action will only ever take place when food is being consumed and scalding hot coffees are perched precariously on the dashboard.
15. All grocery shopping involves the purchase of French loaves which will be placed in open brown paper bags (Caveat: when said bags break, only fruit will spill out).
16. Cars never need fuel (unless they're involved in a pursuit).
17. If you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts, your opponents will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around you in a threatening manner until you have defeated their predecessor.
18. If a microphone is turned on it will immediately feedback.
19. Guns are like disposable razors. If you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. you will always find another one.
20. All single women have a cat.
21. Cars will explode instantly when struck by a single bullet.
22. No matter how savagely a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.
23. If being chased through a city you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
24. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. Nobody will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.
25. You will survive any battle in any war UNLESS you show someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
|
|
|
Post by Cmdr. Tony Bastain on Oct 31, 2008 2:27:16 GMT -5
10 Signs You Are Too Old For Halloween
10. You get winded from knocking on the door. 9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.
6. People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.[/color][/b][/size]
|
|
|
Post by Lt. Cmdr. Five of Seven on Nov 2, 2008 10:08:04 GMT -5
What's the Temperature in Hell? Is Hell Exothermic or Endothermic? The following question was reportedly given on a chemistry mid term at the University of Washington. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the Professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is,of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well. ---------- Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed, or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing over time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? ...If we accept the postulation given to me by Karen during my Freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I go out with you," and taking into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having relations with her, then, #2 can not be true. And thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.
|
|
|
Post by Cmdr. Tony Bastain on Nov 7, 2008 4:53:28 GMT -5
A young hotshot lawyer went out and bought the fastest car in the world, the new SSC Ultimate Aero, for a cool $750,000. It was a nice day outside, so he took the car for it’s first drive on the street.
As he stops at a red light, an old man on a mobility scooter rides off the sidewalk and pulls up next to him. The man on the scooter, who had to be at least 70 years old, leaned over at the driver’s side window and asked.. "Nice car there Sonny, what is it?"
"Why, this is the Ultimate Aero, the fastest car in the world. It has 1183 horsepower and can go 257 miles per hour!" exclaimed the cocky attorney. "And..it cost 3/4 of a million dollars!”
“Wow,” replied the old man, “mind if I take a look inside?” he asked. “Of course not,” the lawyer said proudly.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back down on his mobility scooter, says, “That’s a pretty fancy sportscar, all right… but I’ll stick with my scooter!”
Just then, the light changes and the lawyer decides to show the old man with his car is all about. The car goes from 0-60mph in just 2.7 seconds and, before he realizes it he’s doing 220mph. Looking back, he notices a small dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossh! Something whips by him..going much faster!
“What in the world could be possibly be going faster than my Aero?” the young lawyer asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot again… this time coming toward him. Whooooooossh! It flies by again, heading the opposite direction! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! “Couldn’t be,” thinks the lawyer. “How could a moped outrun an Ultimate Aero?”
Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror, but before he could react… Whooosh Ka-BbblaaaaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, completely demolishing the rear end. The young lawyer jumps out and, to his suprise, it’s the old man on the mobility scooter!
He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh my God! Are you ok? Is there anything I can do for you?” The old man groans and moans, finally he replies… “Yes, unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!”[/size]
|
|
|
Post by Lt. Cmdr. Five of Seven on Nov 11, 2008 23:48:02 GMT -5
How to Handle a Telemarketer's Call
The phone rang as I was setting down to my anticipated evening meal, and as I answered it I was greeted with, "Is this William Wagenhoss?"
This didn't sound anything like my name, so I asked, "Who is calling?" The telemarketer then said he was with The Rubberband-Powered Freezer Company (or something like that.)
So I asked him if he knew William personally, and why was he was calling this number. I then said off to the side of the phone: "Get really good pictures of the body and with all the blood."
I turned my ear back to the phone, advised the caller that he had entered a murder scene, and must stay on the line. I told the telemarketer we had already traced this call and he would be receiving a summons to appear in the local courthouse to testify in this murder case. Then I questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address, phone number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he prove where he had been about one hour before he made this call. The telemarketer was getting very concerned and his answers were given in a shaky voice.
I proceeded to tell him we had located his position at his work place and the police were entering the building to take him into custody. At that point, I heard the phone fall and the scurrying of his running away.
My wife asked me as I returned to our table, why I had tears streaming down my face and so help me, I couldn't tell her for about fifteen minutes.
|
|
|
Post by Cmdr. Tony Bastain on Nov 17, 2008 5:10:25 GMT -5
A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, “Hey, Tony! How ya doin’?” His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before. “Oh, no,” says Tony. “He’s on my bowling team.”
When they are seated, a waitress asks Tony if he’d like his usual and brings over a Coors Light. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,”How did she know that you drink Coors Light?” “She’s in the Ladies’ Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.”
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Tony, and says “Hi Baby! Want your usual table dance, big boy?” Tony’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Tony follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real witch tonight, Tony.”[/size]
|
|
|
Post by Lt. Cmdr. Five of Seven on Nov 18, 2008 2:00:01 GMT -5
Three Couples Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church.
The pastor says, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor goes to the elderly couple and asks, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replies, "No problem at all, Pastor." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
The pastor goes to the middle aged couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the pastor.
The pastor then goes to the newlywed couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "Well Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied. "What happened?" inquired the pastor. "My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there." "You understand of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.
"That's OK," said the young man, "We're not welcome at Stop & Shop anymore either."
|
|
|
Post by Cmdr. Tony Bastain on Nov 22, 2008 5:22:16 GMT -5
One beautiful afternoon, a young redneck boy runs into his house and yells “Paw, I found her! I found the girl I’m gonna marry, and she’s a virgin!”
Now while this might impress some families, it irritated and upset his father. Pounding his fist on the table, he yells back “There’s no way you’ll marry that girl! If she ain’t good enough for her own family, she ain’t good enough for ours!”[/size]
|
|
|
Post by Lt. Cmdr. Five of Seven on Dec 2, 2008 4:31:19 GMT -5
The Wise Old Country Doctor A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace the retiring country doctor. The older doctor suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.
At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."
The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"
As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How did you arrive at your diagnosis so quickly?"
"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half-dozen banana peels in the trash. That was probably what was making her sick."
"Huh," the younger doctor said, "pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house."
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did.
"I'm feeling terribly run down lately."
"You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."
As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?"
"Well, just as you did at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I saw the preacher under the bed."
|
|
|
Post by 1st Lt. Becky Zathras on Dec 4, 2008 8:37:42 GMT -5
A young guy from Texas moves to New York and goes to a big 'everything under one roof' department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, 'Do you have any sales experience?'
The kid says 'Yeah. I was a salesman back in Texas '
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. 'You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.'
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
'How many customers bought something from you today?
The kid says 'one'. The boss says 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?'
The kid says '$101,237.65 '.
The boss says '$101, 237.65? What the heck did you sell?'
The kid says, 'First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a Twin engine Chris Craft.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition.'
The boss said, 'A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?'
The kid said 'No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.
|
|
|
Post by Cmdr. Tony Bastain on Dec 7, 2008 6:09:53 GMT -5
A blonde who got a fishing rod for her birthday decided to go ice fishing to make good use of her gift. Early the next morning, she got all her gear together and headed out to the ice.
When she reached her final destination, she cut a large hole in the ice and dipped the rod in. Then suddenly she heard a voice that said: “There are no fish in there”.
So she moves to another spot and cuts another hole, but then the same voice spoke again and told her there were no fish in there.
So she moves again, and the voice tells her there are no fish in there. So she looks up and sees an irritated man staring down at her.
“How do you know there are no fish there?” asks the blonde.
So the man cooly says “Well first of all, this is a hockey rink, and second of all, you’re going to have to pay for those holes.”[/size]
|
|
|
Post by Lt. Cmdr. Five of Seven on Dec 9, 2008 23:59:46 GMT -5
Tommy and the Priest Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The Priest says, "Is that you Tommy?"
"Yes father, it is I."
"Who was the woman you were with?"
"I cannot tell you... For I do not wish to sully her reputation."
The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"No father."
"Was it Fiona MacDonald?"
"No father."
"Was it Ann Brown?"
"No father, I cannot tell you."
The priest says firmly, "I admire your perseverance but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be five Our Fathers and four Hail Marys."
Tommy goes back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and says, "What happened?"
Tommy replies, "Well, I got five Our Fathers, four Hail Marys and three good leads." [/color]
|
|
|
Post by Cmdr. Tony Bastain on Dec 22, 2008 5:54:16 GMT -5
Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:
* The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing. * The fifth would pay $1. * The sixth would pay $3. * The seventh would pay $7. * The eighth would pay $12. * The ninth would pay $18. * The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.
So, that’s what they decided to do. The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve. “Since you are all such good customers,” he said, “I’m going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20.” Drinks for the ten now cost just $80
The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men - the paying customers? How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his ‘fair share?’
They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody’s share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer. So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man’s bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay! And so…
* The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings). * The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33%savings). * The seventh now paid $5 instead of $7 (28%savings). * The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings). * The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings). * The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).
Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings.
“I only got a dollar out of the $20,” declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man, “but he got $10!”
“Yeah, that’s right,” exclaimed the fifth man. “I only saved a dollar, too. It’s unfair that he got ten times more than I!”
“That’s true!” shouted the seventh man. “Why should he get $10 back when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks!”
“Wait a minute,” yelled the first four men in unison. “We didn’t get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!” The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.
The next night the tenth man didn’t show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn’t have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!
And that, boys and girls, journalists and college professors, is how our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.
David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D. Professor of Economics, University of Georgia[/size]
|
|
|
Post by Lt. Cmdr. Five of Seven on Dec 29, 2008 3:01:15 GMT -5
MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital
Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the MotherShip.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
|
|
|
Post by Cmdr. Tony Bastain on Dec 30, 2008 4:01:42 GMT -5
'Change Business Owners Can Believe In'
As the Manager of a small business that employs 80 people, I have finally resigned to the fact that Barrack Obama will be our next President, and that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way.
To compensate for the tax increases I figure our customers will have to see a price increase of about 8%, but due to the dismal state of our economy we can’t increase prices right now, so we’ll have to lay off 7 of our employees instead. This problem has really been eating at me, as I believe we’re all family here and I just don’t know how to choose who will have to go. Everyone has families and our employees are good people.
So this is what I did… I walked through our parking lot and found 7 Obama ‘08 bumper stickers on our employees’ cars, and decided that these employees will be the first to be laid off. I can’t think of a more fair way to approach this problem. These folks wanted change, so I gave it to them.
If you have a better idea, let me know. Sincerely, a small business owner[/size]
|
|
|
Post by Lt. Cmdr. Five of Seven on Dec 31, 2008 0:18:55 GMT -5
The "Baptist Bra"
A man walked into the women's department of Macy's in New York City. He told the Sales lady, "I would like a Baptist bra for my wife, size 36B."
With a quizzical look, the saleslady asked, "What kind of bra?"
He repeated, "A Baptist bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a Baptist bra and that you would know what she wanted."
"Ah, now I remember," Said the sales lady, "we don't get as many requests for them as we used to. Mostly our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian type."
Confused and a little flustered, the man asked, "So what are the differences?"
The lady responded, "Well, it's really quite simple.
"The Catholic type supports the masses,
"The Salvation Army lifts up the fallen,
"The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright."
He mused at that for a moment and then asked, "So, what is the Baptist type for?"
"They", she replied, "make mountains out of molehills."
And, if you need more information about bras, here's some more:
Have you ever wandered why bras are lettered A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, H and how the letters are actually used to define bra sizes? Well, if you have ever wondered, but couldn't figure it out, here's the code:
A. Almost Boobs
B. Barely Boobs
C. Can't Complain
D. Dang!
DD. Double Dang!
E. Enormous
F. Fake
G. Get a reduction
H. Help Me, I've fallen and can't get up...
|
|
|
Post by Cmdr. Tony Bastain on Jan 2, 2009 5:15:30 GMT -5
Seems that, after all these years, the romance and love just wasn’t what it used to be for John and Jane. In an attempt to salvage their thirty years of marriage, Jane convinces her husband to see a marriage counselor with her.
The counselor first asks Jane what she feels the problem is, and before he can even finish his sentence she goes into a tirade listing every single problem the couple has ever had - even before things went south. She goes on and on for nearly an hour, and finishes in tears.
Finally, the counselor gets up from his couch, walks over to Jane, embraces her and begins to kiss her passionately. The woman quiets down, immediately, and sits there in a daze.
The counselor then turns to John and says, “Your wife needs this at least three times a week. For the sake of your marriage, can you can do this?” The husband ponders this question for a moment, and confidentially replies, “I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays… but on Fridays, I play golf.”[/size]
|
|
|
Post by Lt. Cmdr. Five of Seven on Jan 5, 2009 3:07:23 GMT -5
My Pet Fish A North Carolina redneck was stopped by a game warden in Llano County recently with two ice chests of fish, leaving a river well known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
"Naw, my friend, I ain't got no license. These here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?"
"Yep. Every night I take these fish down to the river and let'em swim 'round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump right back into this ice chest and I take 'em home."
"That's a bunch of bull! Fish can't do that!"
The redneck looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth. I'll show you. It really works."
"Okay, I've got to see this!"
The redneck poured the fish into the river and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" said the redneck.
"When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH!"
"What fish?"
We in North Carolina may not be as smart as some, but we ain't as dumb as most.
|
|
|
Post by Cmdr. Tony Bastain on Jan 12, 2009 4:33:41 GMT -5
Three friends were playing golf one beautiful Sunday morning, as usual, and they never missed a weekend. As one of them was about to take the first tee a guy, by himself, asked if he could join their flight. The friends looked at each other and figured “sure, why not,” as they haven’t played with anyone else in quite some time.
So they teed off and all four were getting along pretty well. Right about the turn, on the 9th hole, they were all chit chatting and getting to know one another. Curious, one of the friends asked the new guy what he did for a living and, funny enough, he told them he was a hitman. They all kind of laughed it off, and asked him again - this time seriously.
The stranger said “No really, I’m hitman. My gun is in my golf bag, I carry it everywhere I go. You can take a look if you don’t believe me, I’ve never been dishonest.”
So one of the guys in the group decided to take him up on the offer and, opening the bag, sure enough revealed a really nice rifle with huge scope mounted at the top. He got all excited about it. He said “WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look through it?”
“Sure,” said the stranger.
So the man looked around for a second and said “HELL YEAH! You can! I can even see through my windows into my bedroom. There’s my wife, naked. Sweet! Isn’t she beautiful? WAIT! There’s my next door neighbor! He’s naked too! And he’s in my room!”
This upset the golfer, terribly, so he asked the hitman how much he would charge for a hit. The hit man replied “It’s $1000 every time I pull the trigger.” The man said “$1000, ouch! Well, OK. I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She’s always nagging at me and I can’t stand it. Then I want you to shoot my neighbor right in the crotch, for screwing around with my wife.”
The hit man agrees, gears up and takes aim through the scope. He’s looking for what has to be 10 minutes. The golfer begins to get impatient and asks the hitman what he’s waiting for. The hitman replies kind of anxiously, “Just hold on a minute… I’m about to save you a thousand bucks!”[/size]
|
|
|
Post by 1st Lt. Becky Zathras on Jan 14, 2009 11:23:09 GMT -5
THE NEW PASSWORD
A woman was helping her husband set up his new computer, and at the appropriate time in the process, told him he would now need to enter a password. Something he would use to log-on. Her husband was in a rather devilish mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in: P... E... N... I... S... His wife fell out of her chair laughing when the computer replied ***PASSWORD INVALID...........NOT LONG ENOUGH***
|
|
|
Post by Lt. Cmdr. Five of Seven on Jan 14, 2009 20:06:48 GMT -5
Leopard Vs. Poodle A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her poodle along for company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a hungry-looking leopard heading rapidly in his direction.
The poodle thinks, "Uh, oh!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back so you can watch me chew that poodle to bits!"
Now, the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and waits until they get just close enough to hear.
"Where's that darn monkey?" the poodle says, "I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"
|
|
|
Post by Cmdr. Tony Bastain on Jan 16, 2009 5:30:56 GMT -5
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were smoking cigarettes one afternoon. The blonde had Camels, the redhead had Marlboros, and the brunette had Kools.
It began to pour down rain, so the redhead and brunette both pull out a condom and put it on their cigs. The blonde says “what are you doing?” - and they say “We’re saving it for later!”
Impressed, and in a hurry, the blonde goes to the nearest store and asks for a condom. The clerk says “What size? small, medium, or large?” She says “I dont know… one to fit a camel?”[/size]
|
|
|
Post by Lt. Cmdr. Five of Seven on Jan 17, 2009 20:10:47 GMT -5
A man walked into a building, and said.... "Owww".
|
|